In the past, I've been too personal on this very public domain called the internet. So in that vein, I haven't had anything light enough to post for awhile. It hasn't been the greatest of times, suffice it to say. But things have gotten abruptly better. I feel.. really good. A combination of having fun with the people I love and the spring sunshine is rejuvenating. The hazy winters make me sluggish. I'm relieved that the dark cold days are done.

Yesterday was the last day of spring break. It has been an incredible week. I spent every single day having fun with my best friends.

Sunday was solely a Jessie day. We went shopping at Target and Croquis (lol). I wish I got to see Jessie more, but I at least got one day.

Monday to Wednesday was Rosarito with Mandy, Martha, and Val. It was just as great as last time. Riding ATVs through the ocean breeze was thrilling! I am a speed demon. I danced my ass off two nights in a row. All in all it was a hilarious and crazily fun 3 days.

Wednesday - Saturday was nonstop hanging out with Ruby and Joanna. And Mandy came to visit on Saturday!!! We shopped... a LOT. I love how Ruby is my new disciple. She got 3 dresses. Yeah.

I have a feeling this quarter is going to be fantastic. For now, I'll take what I can get. I'm taking things one step at a time. I can't fix everything at once. All I can do is keep going and growing.

I don't think I'm shallow, I can't be read like a book. I try to stray from the idea that I'm deeper than the people around me because this would result in my superiority. I don't know if everyone has the sorts of musings I have. I know some do, but does everyone? I really doubt it sometimes, but I cannot know for sure. I wish people would share them more. After that, I suppose there really is nothing else, and it takes courage to lay yourself bare like that. But, in the end, I think it's the most important part of who someone is. And to truly know, understand, and love someone, there has to be some kind of understanding. And when you can achieve that.. it's the most beautiful thing.

Currently Listening Katharine McPhee By Katharine McPhee Over It see related

I got my last 2 wisdom teeth out 11 days ago, and it was absolutely torturous. I haven't eaten anything since, just juice and rice milk. Tomorrow I'll finally get to eat again. I have looked so hideous, as my left cheek is one huge swollen and deeply bruised lump. Thankfully, I will be normal just in time to go back to UCI. This was my second set out, my first set was back in August, and that one was even worse. My dentist said it was the worst case he's seen in his decades of dentistry. But it's all over forever now, and I'm going to take good care of my teeth for the rest of my life so that I don't have to get any type of oral surgery!

So as you can probably guess, that whole ordeal pretty much ruined Christmas for me. I couldn't eat Christmas dinner even. But I was watching this dumb holiday movie on Christmas Eve, and even though I couldn't go out of the house, eat, walk fast, talk, sing, or even open my jaw, I felt the holiday spirit. I wish I could have been able to do the whole pre-holiday celebrating though. Another holiday season down the drain! This break has been very good for me though. I have almost two weeks left, and I have so much more I need to accomplish. I'm the kind of person who needs to make sudden changes. I can't gradually ease into a mindset, I have to have a breaking point. My life has changed for the better in the last month, and will only continue. It's a month of healing, of doing so many things I have meant do. That I have now time to do.

There are moments in your life when everything seems to fall in place. Finally all the past meets the future in an electrifying way. You come to believe that the pieces have come together for one fleeting moment. But when that belief is shattered by reality, it's all the more painful.

Time for some of my "no shit really" philosophy, the stuff that is painfully obvious to anyone rational. I've been thinking about those big choices you have to make in life. I've been wrestling with my own demons too, and though I have not come to any conclusions, certain things are becoming more apparent. Maybe just maybe....there isn't a right choice either way. All you can do is carefully choose one path. But as long as you choose one (and don't just run away from it all in blind terror) there's no real way for that path to be wrong. Your mind will torture you with the plain truth that you will never know where that other road might have led. And inevitably, that unexplored path will trump reality in retrospect. Thre grass is always greener, etc. But I am learning to come to terms with the fact that there really is no way to know. And that other direction might have been even worse. Undoubtedly, it would not have been perfect. Because nothing ever is, except in dreams. You never end up regretting as much as you think you will in the end. It's just hard when you can't see the ending to the story. The reasons for certain events may not be clear to you yet. The best we can do for ourselves is to just keep at it in the hope that one day you can take a look around and realize that things are exactly the way they should be.

I'll give myself a little credit for always keeping on keeping on. I may never succeed, but I will never stop trying. I guess that's the major difference between now and then. I gave up then, I couldn't see the light. Being content was years away. And I was right.. it really was. That's the scary part. Sometimes it's just your turn to go through the bad times. Some more than others. And it may not get better until you literally cannot stand it anymore. But I am hopeful that it's only light ahead for the forseeable future. At least I will do everything I can to make it so. I never want to live like that again. I'm grown now.. I have no more excuses.

I can forgive myself for the past mistakes. Reading back, I realize that I have let go of the regrets of HS. The insecurities that hindered me through those times. I've changed too much to blame the person I was. I can't understand it, it's foreign... so I can just leave it alone now. I know that it would be a lot more fun if I was who I am now. But I was just a kid, I didnt know who I was or who I could be. But I'm not anymore. I really feel like almost an adult. More of an adult than a girl. And everyone else my age seems even more grownup. I am proud of us. I guess that's what I'm really trying to do... grow up. I had stalled. But there is no doubt that I am a better person right now than I have ever been at any point. I am glad to be where I am.

I just know that it could be so much better. And there's no reason not to. There is absolutely nothing stopping me. Not time, resources, opportunity. I have everything I need to be anything I want to. And this is a college realization... my life is now wide open. No expectations except those I place on myself. My future is one huge blank slate. It's up to me to make something of myself. I don't expect to just be perfect overnight. I do expect myself to start getting it all together. I'm not afraid to admit that I am a work in progress. I have started, and that heartens me. I'm exactly halfway thru college. I want to make the last half of college GREAT, the best 2.5 years of my life.

Dreams are worth fighting for, but they never come perfectly true. But if there's anything I've learned as a lifelong procrastinator, it's that getting started is the hardest part. I'm not one to give up halfway through if I've put any effort in at all. We live such extremely privileged lives, and there's so much unnecessary shit that goes on. And I know that's the way society works, it's no fault of my own. But I'm not afraid to admit that I am a perfect example of that snotty American. I can only hope that I HAVEN'T grown up, and that I can become someone who I can be proud of someday.

First year.. it was what it was. <-- Apparently my fav new phrase. I was immature, naive, and didn't know what the hell I was doing. I was foolishly content.. but I mean it definitely could have been worse. It was.. ok. A wasted year in ways, but I learned a lot, and I liked it at the time. And like the period preceding that, I feel I can no longer judge that time because I was too different from now. I do wish I had rushed at the end of that year though, that would have been a good time to do that. Or at the beginning of 2nd year. But I am blessed to have had the chance to rush at all. Second year.. worst year ever until the last quarter. No one can be blamed for that, but I was just not myself at all. At all.

So what will this school year be? The past 2 years were so easily categorized. I want this year to be great. It's not like before, I don't want to relive the past, though it could be improved. I no longer wish I was anywhere else or anyone else. I just want to move forward.

Currently Listening Back to Bedlam By James Blunt High see related

I wonder what if someone who I didn't know at all found this xanga. If they read the whole thing, for some reason, what sort of opinion would they form about me? They'd know a little bit about my inner thoughts and emotions. They'd know the cursory facts too. I have no idea.. Hopefully I would not come off like a complete idiot. Would I seem as I do in real life? I don't know if the light-hearted me comes out in this blog. This is what I'm thinking about often enough that I feel the need to write it down. But this isn't all me. And I know I don't write as much about myself as I used to, but I'm just more private now. And happier.

I'm in a happy optimistic mood currently. Making progress feels great. It is very hard for me to adjust to change. I'm very responsive to positive feedback. When making progress consistently, it makes me want to keep going. And I don't want to give up this time. I won't give up the ghost. I refuse. But I am so wary of making promises to myself that I can't keep too.

Sometimes I feel like talking, so I just talk to this journal.. It feels so great to let it out. When I do reread my entries, it's like.. I didn't write it, someone else wrote it. Someone who knows exactly how I feel. There's someone out there who gets me.. and that person is me. It's weird.

Do you ever wander around and feel like it's waiting for you around the corner? I like to take random walks occasionally and just breathe and commune with myself. And I feel like I don't know what I'm looking for.. but it's going to be there. It's not a person, or an object, nothing tangible like that. It's an oppressively expectant feeling. But whatever it is, I don't find it. And then I forget about it.

I went back to AHS last week for the Chanteurs/New Spirit homecoming reunion. It was so strange going directly from the nostalgic past of show choir to Gamma Phi cocktail just about 2 hrs later. Fun times. From the past to the present, no stopping. The whole day was strange. I was so happy cuz Mr. Maxson remembers my name. This might be my last Homecoming. Maxson will retire in 1 or 2 years, and people will stop coming. But I also liked it because there were so few oldies that we got to talk to each other more. There were only a few people older than class of 04. I realize that I am now THAT alumni. The one I used to stare at, the old college person from the old videos. It is amazing b/c I remember those moments back then. I knew I would be them someday... and now I am. and forever too. We did my 2nd year's routine, and i still Do remember some of it! It was so fun to get up there again, and on the box too. I miss performing so much.

And all my pictures are still hanging up on the choir room walls. Treble Choir, Concert Choir, Chanteurs.. all of them. I haven't seen them in that extra large size in a long time. I just stood there staring at them. I look so different now. I am so different now, in all the ways. It's comforting to know that progress comes even when you don't court it. I feel like an adult sometimes now. I'm in control of my own life. But it's good to go back and remember, to stare at the photos, have that spark of connection, just one more time.

Falling down can be a good thing, only if you use it as an impetus to gather yourself back up.

"Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know"

Currently Listening The Black Parade By My Chemical Romance Welcome to the Black Parade see related

Last night, I went to Gina's for the weekly Songfest fundrasier. I tried avocado pizza, which sounds really weird. But if you know me, you know I love weird food. It was SOOOOO good. I really recommend it if you like avocado at all. Some basil and/or goat cheese would have really improved it too.

I'm really excited for Halloween. It's my favorite holiday! This year, I am going to be The Devil. Going shopping for the costume on Friday... it's going to be extreme.

Last October was the worst month of my life. Hands down. Yes. This October, should be just that much better. I owe it to myself, for just so many reasons.

Starting the year out is always a little hard, and recruitment was CRAZILY time consuming and stressful. I love my new girls though, they are awesome. It's been hard making transitions though. I am SOOOOOOO bad at transitions. I adjust so slowly, life just passes me by. I'm a bit proud of myself though, I have done some of the stuff I set out to do. Like my job, and getting some stuff organized.

I'm falling behind again.. everyone is rushing past me, and I lag behind. I'm catching up though. Slowly, but I couldn't push myself even if I tried. I'm doing well though. I am happy.

In other news,  TODAY IS MY HALF BIRTHDAY!   6 months til 21!! yay.

Currently Listening The Open Door By Evanescence Good Enough see related